Having a Fling Online

Relationships that start online are streaming in at an all time high.  Even though they’re stigmatized, marginalized and criticized, online dating is bringing in some serious relationship conversions. A study from 2013 published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, put the percentage of married couples that now meet online at almost 35%.   Together with the revolution of life gamification and instant gratification mobile dating, dating habits  have changed; restaurant dates are replaced by exchanging Instagram handles. Now as singles in society its not if you’re online dating is which sites are you onThus, totally new rules of the dating game apply as the stigma falls away. So lets dive in.

  1.  Be sincere in your profile. You’ll meet in person at some point and you don’t want to show up and shock your partner. This is when ” Oh shoot , I have a thing at a place. I’m so sorry I forgot I’ve really gotta go.”  happens.
  2. Don’t try to break the rules on dating sites wither; they’re there for a reason . Whether that’s preventing catfish, spammers, solicitation or simply so users aren’t getting #dicpics every other message .
  3. Pick some people you want to talk to, but not too many. Trust your instincts, since it is pretty hard to make a total impression of a person you don’t see IRL. If you have some doubts, stop and find other profiles. There’s a Fling for all!
  4. The  online environment isn’t always safe; sometimes people leak through the system. Initial dates or meet ups shouldn’t be at at his/her house or in other obscure places. Safety first kids. Choose a bowling alley over a back alley (obvi).
  5. Be upfront : It is important to let people know what you want, whether its having a casual fling online, a more serious relationship, or even when you don’t really know what you want
  6. Respect your principles and you will avoid problems. Don’t like working out? Don’t talk to a gym rat. Don’t like to party ? Don’t try to date a club promoter. You’ll both be miserable ( see my post Just Be Yourself if you’re having trouble with this)
  7. When going on the actual date, make sure you look nice. After talking online you will both be even more nervous and insecure about the situation. When you know you look good you’re going to come across more confident. Its better to show up looking better then expected then worse… how awkward.
  8. Men, more than women, are visual. Based on that, they establish their attraction in the first few seconds of seeing you. You might be tempted to post an older picture of yourself, when you were thinner and prettier, but this is wrong. Women will give it a bit more time by evaluating a mans style, posture, and confidence levels as well. So men- make sure your well dressed.
  9. Profile Pics: Women and Men differ in what they want to see on your profile pics.  Clear photos that reveal your whole body are ideal for men they want face shot and body shot, otherwise people might think you are hiding something.  Women like to make a lifestyle assessment through photos. Men do best with pics of them doing something , with their cars, at events and with groups of friends. ** do not make your main profile pic a photo with multiple people its confusing as to who you are and people want to make a quick assessment** I can’t count the number of times I come across profiles where a guy has no pics of just him and you cant tell which one he is. In this situation we automatically assume you are the ugly one. This goes for girls too. Photos of touristic attractions, animals and kids have no place on dating sites thats why your have a Facebook, IG, Twitter etc. If you aren’t in it, it shouldn’t be in your profile.
  10. Your nickname says a lot, so pick a good one… sexibunnie69 tells quite a story in 0.2 seconds.
  11. Do not write novels about yourself. Ever heard of KISS? Keep it simple, stupid.   Keep information simple and funny. Do not write ‘I’m like this and like that’, but things that make people draw that conclusion. Make your hobby section attractive. ‘Doing flower arrangements’ will be uninteresting for men a better word is “crafts” or “home decor projects” , likewise ‘drinking beer’ will be repulsing for girls who like a guy with any sort of life ambition. You might as well have written “make me a sandwich”  and “please wash the pizza stains from my sweatpants”  It is better to think of activities you would like to do with a new partner.
  12. Be prompt online. We’re in an age of instant gratification and availability. If someone writes to you, write back and don’t wait for days to respond. If that’s a problem for you download the site’s app. If it doesn’t have an app you should probably pick a better site.  Unless you decide to act, that person will find someone else its as easy as clicking search my zip code ,  see next message, double tapping, or swiping right.
  13. You don’t have to be available all the time though. Keep your independence and stay busy. Messaging every 5 minutes is great in the first hour but after that wheres the challenge and courtship?
  14. Don’t use too many emoticons in your messages , unless you’re the modern Jackson Polluck of emoji abstract expressionism . Seriously, ” sup sxy how r u doin? wuz good tn?xoxo ;);):)”? Did you really think that was going to go well…
  15. All in all, profit from the advantages of online dating. If a face-to-face conversation isn’t really chillin in your comfort zone online flirting allows you to analyze your messages before sending. As a control freak, and writer, I compulsively screen incoming calls only to hit people up 10 mins later with a text that says ” Hey sorry I missed your call, was in a meeting whats up?” Full Disclosure Moment: my “meeting” was with Piper Chapman…  Ben, Jerry, and Yoga Pants were there too. 
  16. Don’t say something that is misinterpreted, unless you’re Rico Suave of innuendo, and take all nuances into account. Because you have more time to formulate answers, the chances of creating a powerful bond increase.
  17. Punctuation is key. Here’s  an example gone wrong from real life experience.

Jill: ” Oh I didn’t know you were still on the dating scene”

Jack:”Im not just seeing you.”

is a LOT different than

 

Jill: ” Oh I didn’t know you were still on the dating scene”

Jack: “Im not. Just seeing you”

17. I think this also falls under Don’t Have Important Conversations Via SMS.

 

Its something to sink your teeth into so chew on it and leave your own tips in the comments or by tweeting me @jessicakohlfit.

 

 

How To Handle An Office Fling

office flingBeen feeling wildly attracted to a co-worker who gets cow eyed and giggly everytime he or she walks into the room? What should you do? Well the answer is simple: YOU DO NOTHING! Flings happen all the time and even more in the office. It would be best if you were to play out all your dreams and fantasies in your head, exhausting every romantic notion you feel creeping into your consciousness. Chances are that the butterflies will come and go keep in mind butterflies, both real and metaphorical, have a short lifespan.

How-To

1. Stay Professional

You have to stay professional in the workplace. If you start behaving in an unprofessional way, then things can get very bad very quickly. By acting professional, however, you xan keep things in perspective…and make sure you keep your job.

2. Don’t Let Them Walk Over You

Feelings can be taken advantage by some people because of their willingness. It can be tempting to invite your fling for lunch or some coffee, but that is human nature. However your crush might not necessarily feel the same way and might be willing to reap the benefits of the nice gestures you give them.

3. Look The Right Way

Not only should you try to avoid staring all googly eyed at your fling while a work, it is also unprofessional to stare like that. Besides, moony stares can reveal your feelings quicker than anything else.

4. Keep Up With Reality

It is not uncommon at all for someone to begin to fantasize or even dream about their office flame. When spending so much time at work, it is hard not to confuse those fantasies with reality, It is important to keep your feet grounded;moreover; keep your fantasy life completely separate from your work life.

5. Be Realistic

Being realistic to the end is another must. Does your company frown upon dating within the office? Does your fling feel the same way about you; as you do with them? Dont let you common sense be blurred by your feelings; stay leveled headed and keep everything within a realistic perspective

6. Keep Cool

Always keep your cool when possible. Don’t get giggly, don’t let your crush have that effect over you. If needed, just pretend that your fling isn’t there at all, even more so if you need to keep it at a professional level.

7. Weigh the Consequences

If this is what you think you want from your crush; a relationship, you need to being to think about the consequences. What happens if dont work out? Will this affect your job? You also need to consider how the working conditions will be during and after the relationship. If there are more cons than pros, again keep your fantasy life completely separate from your working life. At the end most office romances do work, but when they don’t it can get a bit awkward.

Best Ways To Approach a Girl

approachIf a girl seems unapproachable, it’s probably because she’s worth the trepidation: the momentary smile, the way she absentmindedly curls her hair around one finger while she chats with friends, the shape of her hips in those jeans. No eye-roll worthy pick-up line is going to suffice — you need to bring a pistol to this knife fight.

 

Be Napolean Bone-aparte

Confidence is key. You’ve got a dog in this race, and by dog we mean, your penis. But don’t let the wrong head craft your war plan. Tread lightly, because even if this isn’t your dream girl, treating the situation like it’s no ordinary come-on will mean success will surely be yours.

 

Leave the Cheese at La Fromagerie

And know what the hell a fromagerie is. It might sound crazy, but you need to have a classy conversation with a girl before you ever ask for her number. Knowing a thing or two about something other than football and basketball is the best way to get her interested. Pull out your smart phone and check what has happened in foreign policy that day, and come up with an intelligent and thought-provoking foray into a conversation. Smart guys are sexy, because they’re usually successful, but don’t sound too nerdy, or she might feel like she showed up to class without studying for the test. If you can sit down next to her, pull out your phone and act like you’re reading the news for the first time, and look over to her as though you just had to get her opinion on what happened.

 

Don’t Be a Guy Friend

The inherent danger in the non-sexual convo approach is that you might actually get along. You might unwittingly stumble into Just-a-friend-ville — and that’s no where you want to be. Make sure she knows you desire her: Every woman is flattered by subtle clues you want her. Make constant intense eye contact (win the staring contest!) and remember details about her life to bring up later in the conversation.

 

Be Sexy, Not Overzealous

In between chapters of conversation, inject delicate flirtations such as handing her a drink but holding it a few seconds too long. How you look at her should (and will) tell her everything about what you want, and who you are. Just don’t be creepy, or you’ve just blown your chances. Subtlety is key, after all, you just met, and she has a lot more to lose than you.

 

Set a Deadline on Your Next Chapter

If she’s worth all of this trouble, then you’re likely not the first suitor she’s encountered, and you’re certainly not the last — or even the best. Make sure you don’t end up a crumpled business card in the bottom of her purse by setting the stage for the next meeting. If you talked about wine, tell her you were thinking about going to a local winery or tasting and ask her along. If she mentioned she hates golf tell her you feel you both should give the entire sport a chance at the putting range. Make sure you’re not just asking her out on ‘to dinner,’ and she’s way more likely to be intrigued.

 

5 Tricks to Get Her in the Mood With Even Touching

turn her onHopefully you’re at the point with a girl where you’re not simply praying she goes out on a second date with you. Your work is still not done, however. Keeping a girl in the mood is a battle as constant as regularly flossing. It’s no chore, however. The more creative you are, the more of a challenge it will be — and the more interesting it will be.

Start Flirting Early

There’s nothing worse than a last minute attempt to jump into a girl’s pants at the end of a date. Anyone worth doing is worth doing right, so put in the time and start early. Flirt with her via text while she’s at work. Keep up the momentum with subtle contact throughout the night, such as slipping your hand into her back pocket as you walk along. Give her a light squeeze and a smile every so often to remind her you want her.

 

Location, Location, Location

Pimping out your atmosphere is one of the most effective ways to turn her on. It doesn’t have to be as cliché as incense and rose petals on the bedspread, but don’t underestimate the power of a little ‘Fling’ Shui. Try relaxing the setting with something a little more original, such as running through the sexiest selections in your record collection together. Don’t forget the subdued lighting: a soft pink glow hides many a flaw…and inhibition.

Boost Her Self-Confidence

Don’t talk about other girls you think are hot all night, just keep the focus on her, and how much you want her in less than obvious ways. Go gaga over how cute her toes are, or long her neck is. Compliment her intelligence and wit, with subtlety: “You know I don’t think I know one single person who would ‘get’ that joke…”  She will gain self-confidence and admire you in return, which will go a long way later when you’re taking her clothes off.

Dominance

Women generally want a man to take control — just don’t take it too far. You don’t want to get rape-y or forceful, just use your natural advantages to dominate her. When the date is winding down, say as a matter of fact that she’s staying at your place tonight. When she gets all coy and protests, stop her and maintain eye contact until she gives in.

Liquor

When all else fails, get her buzzed. (Note that this says buzzed and not wasted.) No one wants to wake up with regret in the morning — wondering what the hell you’ve done is a major turn off.

 

Best Ways to Meet Someone in a New City

couple flirting in group settingThere are a lot of ways to meet people in a new city — take rear-ending them while confused by unfamiliar traffic patterns, for example. However, if the person you want to meet wouldn’t be intermittently screaming obscenities at you and phoning everyone from their insurance company to the National Guard, there are a few ways take an active role in meeting new people in your new city.

Facebook

Although Facebook was designed to connect people who already know each other, and blindly ‘friending’ people will get you blocked from using the software, the platform can be quite useful in meeting new people. It might feel a little stalker-ish, but if you have even one or two friends in your new town, stroll through their friend list and, when you come across someone who gets you all twitterpated, ask your friend to make an introduction.

There’s An App for That

There are a slew of apps out there designed to get people together based on mutual interests, such as learning a new language, an affinity for a particular literary genre, or classic cars. MeetUp, Foursquare’s new app Swarm, Gather and PeopleHunt are just a few.

Join a Real Club

Groups in cyberspace are convenient, but don’t forget about clubs outside of the virtual world. By actually meeting people face to face, you get the instant benefit of gauging physical attraction without worrying your next date is only “Facebook Hot.”

Social Lubrication

The oldest (and arguably best) way to meet someone is at the pub. Alcohol gets people talking, just be sure not to get too buzzed or you might find yourself stung by your own beer goggles.

Get Out There

Find church or synagogue functions if you’re religious, choose the trendiest local coffeehouse if you’re bookish, or go out of your way to a busier dog park if you have a four-legged roommate. When you see someone who strikes your fancy, don’t be too shy to approach them about your new-found shared interest.

 ASK

Make an effort to ask people in stores and restaurants what people do for “fun”. Make a profile on an online dating community Fling.me and send some messages out to see if anyone has had any luck with one way or another specific to your area . Chances are you’ll find a Fling online before you even make it out the door.

3 NEW Ways to Get a Girl’s Number

If you never knew the old ways to get a girl’s phone number, it’s a good thing. Chances are she’s heard them before. Try a few new plays in an age-old game.

 

hangman love

1. Show Her You’re Hung

Start a game of Hangman on a napkin or a piece of notebook paper, except where the letters should be, you leave spaces in a 3-3-4 configuration: _ _ _   _ _ _   _ _ _ _ (as in spaces for the seven digits of your phone number). Casually mention there’s a numeral in the solution. If she starts whining about the added difficulty in that, be thankful she’s smart enough to realize that there is added difficulty in that. Tell her you’ll make up for it by giving the ‘hangman’ eyes, a nose, a mouth, and fingers. By this point you should have her fascinated, laughing, and focused on playing a game with you. She may guess right away that the solution is your phone number. At that point, you say “Oh you win!” Write in your phone number, quickly start a new seven-digit hangman, and say “OK it’s your turn!” ‘Hung’ jokes are optional.

 kickball team

2. Start a Co-ed Team

This approach obviously requires a lot more work (or at least planning) but the payoff is that you can use it to gather many girls’ phone numbers over the course of a few months. Approach a girl anywhere — refreshingly, this one doesn’t have to happen in a bar. Having researched local team sport activities such as soccer, billiards, or softball, ask her if she participates in the one you’ve Googled. If you like to ride, for example, ask her if she has a bike. If she says yes, tell her you’re recruiting for a new group bicycle ride from [point A] to [point B] and you need riders to join in. (Safety in numbers, etc.) Tell her you’ll call her with the details. Make sure you tell her if she has any friends, to bring them along, and get their numbers if she does.

 

box of puppies

3. Get a Charity Date

Just about any charity needs volunteers for events. Find the one that needs a suitable amount of help for an upcoming event. Try for one with “aww factor” such as The Finding Homes for Boxes and Boxes of Puppies Foundation charity ball, and get to work. First, phone them up and see if they need two volunteers for a few hours. Say you heard about it through a friend, and can’t really afford to attend, but would like to help. Over the next few days approach girls and ask if they would be interested in helping you. Or, at the very least, ask if you can text them a link to the event in case they know anyone who would.

 

3 NEW Ways to Get His Number

couple textingIt may, at first, seem easy to get a guy’s phone number. Chances are, all you have to do is ask. However, there’s a certain stigma involved in just coming out and asking a guy for his phone number: It might give him the wrong idea about what kind of girl you are. If you wait for every guy you’re interested in to make the first move, you’re going to miss out on a lot of great guys. Get the digits subtly, and you’ll take more control over your sex life.

 

searching pruse for phoneI Think I Lost My Phone!

Turn on your ringer and bury your phone as deep into your purse as possible. Feign digging around in your bag and ask a cute guy if he can call your phone because you fear you lost it. Men naturally want to help women. When he calls, and you hear it ringing, presto! You have his number. Make sure you text him later to thank him for helping you, and drop your name.

 

 

 

i heart organicOrganic Dates

If you see a guy perusing something at Whole Foods or the farmers’ market, wait until he pauses in front of a veggie or the seafood case and casually ask him if she saw the recent article on organic certification, genetically modified foods, local growing co-ops, farm-raised catfish, or anything else which vaguely applies. Having bookmarked a few of these articles in advance, tell him you’ll text him a link to the article…he should definitely read it before buying that!

 

 

 

man flirting with womanIs This Thing On?

If you’re sitting near a guy, download a new boy-friendly ringtone. (Do this at a very low volume to avoid being an annoying phone character.) Some good suggestions are R2D2 or Chewbacca noises from “Star Wars,” a girl moaning briefly with pleasure, or a William Shatner quote from “Star Trek.” Turn the ringer volume up, turn to a cute guy and, holding your phone, say “call this number.” When he calls your phone number and a girl starts moaning, smile and say “I just downloaded a new ringtone.” If it works, you’ll both be laughing hysterically at this point, and you have his number.

 

7 Worst Online Dating Profile Photos

Your profile photo is often the first impression you have on people. This element is compounded by the advent of superficial platforms so you need to stay on your toes to make sure your dating game isn’t totally lost by one bad photo.

 

kurt cobainThe Someone Else

If your main profile photo is of someone else, you are obviously at odds with your appearance, or feel the need to make a statement with your photo, because you doubt anyone will get to know you long enough to naturally discover what you like. That, or you are so pretentious, you feel the need to shove your political, religious or musical tastes down anyone’s throat — even complete strangers on the internet.

 

lapdanceYou, With a Stripper

A photo taken by a bro on the sly while you get a lap dance, you with a Playmate-esque shotgirl  on each arm, or you with several girls in bikinis on a boat says one thing: You require sex (with anyone) and the validation it brings to your existence, and want anyone to know it. Basically, you’re a dick.

 

 

dad and kid with catYour Cat and/or Child

This tear-jerker type pic says your identity is pretty much consumed with the fact that you have a kid or a pet, because your life pretty much is consumed with the fact that you have a kid or a pet. You want the whole universe to see the pictures of your kid and say “Awww. You feed something regularly!” Or, you want the whole universe to see the pictures of your pet and say “Awww. You feed something regularly!” Either way, the ‘likes’ you get from these photos are out of pity.

 

double fisting drinksThe Doublefist

If you are featured in a profile photo with a drink in each hand, swigging Jager straight out of the bottle, slamming down chunks of a vodka-infused watermelon, or performing any other drinking feat for that matter, it tells the world you have a drinking problem — and will have fun at all costs. Those costs include, but are not limited to: your career, your education, and healthy relationships with other humans. This class of photos also proves you don’t care what anyone thinks about you professionally, and don’t plan on starting anytime soon.

 

 

 

kim k kidBaby You

You’re old, and it’s hilarious to see what you looked like sooo looong ago! In fact, you’re so old, people look at the photo and ask: “Is that you??”

 

 

 

 

 

over exposed filterThe Overexposed, Black and White, Out of Focus, Ethereal Art Photo

We all took a Photography 101 class, but your profile photos shouldn’t read like your freshman year syllabi. The only thing these photos say about you is that you are not attractive enough in person to bear the thought of an unadulterated photo. On that note, delete those photos of Alexander Hamilton, Euclid and any work of Gustav Klimt, and replace it with an simple sign that says: “I like stuff.”

 

 

 

tandem skydiveThe Showoff

The only thing vainer than a photo of you leaning on your hot sports car is one of you on top of a mountain. Or skydiving. Or skydiving in your sports car. The point of a profile is not to make people jealous. It’s to show who you are. If your life is an amalgamation of thrill-seeking narcissism because you crave validation from your peers, by all means post that photo of you hot air ballooning with Richard Branson and Michael Jackson’s ghost. We will all be impressed.

5 Topics to Impress Her on a First Date

scarlett johannson

It’s often hard to come up with stuff to talk about on a first date. You don’t want to come off as too self-centered by telling her your whole life story, yet you are putting on a presentation in an attempt to sell her on why you’re the best choice for her. Subtly curate your conversation and, if all else goes well, you should be well on your way to that all-important second date. Here are 5 topics to impress her on a first date.

 

Your Charity Work

If you don’t do any charity work, then start. Even if you simply help update the Facebook page for your local animal shelter, find a few hours each month to devote to being the good guy. Even if you’re doing it just to appeal to girls, a lot of charitable organizations need all the help they can get, and who knows, you might even start to like helping others.

 

Your Investment Portfolio

This topic is tricky. Gordon Gekko’s “greed is good” mentality might work in the boardroom, but it can easily appear garish on a first date. The trick is to touch on the idea that you have several successful investments without making it seem as though you are trying to impress her with your overwhelming wealth. The best method is to pick one humble element of how you arrived at your riches, and focus on that. “It’s crazy! I had to save up like four paychecks for some Google stock in college…”

 

boys who play guitarYour Super Sexy Hobby

Danger sports such as rock climbing or kite surfing are impressive because they show that you’re bold, healthy, and full of adrenaline. Women are hard-wired to be attracted to an abundance of energy coupled with a lack of fear — signs you’re a good hunter and protector.

 

abs vs nerdYour Expertise

Intelligence is sexy, and it’s impressive to be well-versed on a topic such as 18th Century literature, string theory, classic cars, or Reagan-era politics. Just be extra careful not to come off as superior, or a pedant. She’s only going to be impressed with your knowledge on a certain topic if you possess more of it than she does, but she’s going to be largely turned off if you quiz her or make her feel stupid.

 

How Much You Love Your Family

Women are nesters by nature. They will always be impressed by how you visit your elderly grandmother every Tuesday no matter how busy you are, how you still mow your mother’s lawn every week even though she insists on paying someone to do it, or how you surprised your little sister with a trip to the Galapagos to learn about Darwin. It not only says you’re kind and empathetic, but showing her that you are focused on family tells her you’ll be good mating material.

 

5 Reasons To Be Single This Summer

Better To Be Single Or In A Relationship Over The Summer?

Summer is such a fun time of year, with lots of outdoor activities and social get-togethers. Hanging out at the beach or the lake is enjoyable, whether you’re single or in a relationship. So which is better? Here are a few reasons that being single during the summer can be a good thing.

 

travel the worldPlan Your Own Vacation

This is a big one. For your summer vacation, you can do anything you want, without having to work around somebody else. If you really want to go ride elephants in Thailand, and his idea of adventure is camping by the lake, that can lead to a compromise that neither of you are really happy with. When you’re single, you can plan whatever vacation you want, and do the things you’re dreaming of. Whether you like to plan a big, exotic vacation, or just have the freedom to take off at a moment’s notice for a long weekend getaway, your options are open. Go ahead, and take advantage of this while you can!

 

alohaLong, Leisurely Days

In the summer, when you get off work for the day, you still have hours of daylight left to spend as you wish. It seems like you have more time available to do the things you love, or to try new things as well. Whether your interests run more to photography, canyoneering, or happy hours, there is plenty of time to indulge in the things you love to do. When you spend more time doing your favorite activities, you’ll probably even meet new people along the way, with similar interests to you.

 

pillows bedThe Sheets Stay Cooler

During the winter, it’s cozy and warm having somebody to snuggle with under the blankets. Body heat is a good thing, then. In the summertime, that’s not much of an advantage – quite the opposite. This time of year, body heat can make you sweaty and hot. During the summer, you’ll be more comfortable sleeping on clean, cool sheets, without that additional warmth radiating from a nearby body.

 

Solo People Watching

Try going to the beach and watching the couples who are trying to act romantic. It’s an eye-opener that will leave you glad that you’re at the beach solo, or with a group of friends. Face it, beaches just aren’t very conducive to romance, and it’a bad choice of venue for a date. Cuddling in the sand can be downright uncomfortable, and falling asleep on the towels with your arms around each other makes for some absurd tan lines. You can also try to identify new couples, by watching whether they’re still sucking in their tummies to try to show their best look to each other. While a beach date isn’t the best thing for them, it can make great entertainment for you and your friends.

 

have a summer flingYou’re Free For a Summer Fling

Obviously, you don’t need to have a guy around to enjoy an amazing summer. But being single means that if you happen to meet a good-looking guy at the beach (or riding elephants in Thailand), you are free to have a fling if you want to. It’s as easy as making a profile on  www.fling.me and meeting other people looking for their summer fling.